Wednesday, September 30, 2015

New Castle People Make Me Want to Break My Own Legs and Dissolve into Liquid Sludge

New Castle. New. Fucking. Castle. Oh my dear Doritos, where to begin? Okay, let’s start by imagining someone screaming into a megaphone. Not words, just actual screaming. That’s how I feel.

New Castle people are going to be the end of me. Let’s hit three key areas, all of which I experienced today: Driving, grocery shopping, parking. If I had a red button to clear this town of most of its residents, I’d hit it over and over and over and over and over and over just to make sure they didn’t come back once I fired them out of canons toward the horizon.

I want to start with grocery shopping, because the other two can be lumped together and must be saved until the end. I went to Aldi to get four items. I kid you not, every time I needed to turn around, go around a corner, or move in any way, there was a person in my way. One guy turned to look at me and stared RIGHT IN MY EYES for an uncomfortable period of time. And he DID NOT MOVE. So after traversing the entire store nine times just trying to find a clear path to the register, I was stuck behind Turd Bun, a lady about mid-twenties who had apparently missed the memo that bun should not look like a big, lumpy turd someone pooped out into a toilet, like she just grabbed it and plopped it down vertically on her head. Turd Bun had no idea how a checkout lane worked. I had my items on the conveyer belt behind an order divider. She decided to hand the cashier one item at a time, wait until it was scanned and then hand her another. THIS BITCH HAD A FULL CART. The top basket was full, there were items below, and there was a screaming babybeast in the seat. I had to keep shoving my items back further to keep them from going up to where she stood, so eventually I just put them back in my cart. Turd Bun eventually was finished with her game of sodomizing everyone around her with the 2x4 of inconvenience and had apparently been satisfied at the results, but now she only had $100 on her and her total was much more than that. UMUGUD EYE HAV 2 GO OWT 2 MAI KAR #notenufmoni

God damn. So now it was my turn. I’m putting my items back on the belt and the moron behind me RAMS HIS MOTHERFUCKING CART UP AND OVER MY HAND. He doesn’t apologize, and in fact he looks at me like “how dare you.” YES. HOW DARE I. I got out of there, at this point spewing some pretty colorful language with little regard to babies and old people in earshot. I get home and park in front of the house as always, and as I’m unloading the groceries, this huge commercial construction truck comes screaming around the corner and skids almost sideways to a stop in front of my van. The street is narrow and there is parking on both sides, and another car just happens to have parked across the street from me. So no, this asshole isn’t going to fit. Rather than take the next road down, he sits there and honks at me, then he turns and peels down an alley, throwing gravel and dust up behind him.

Okay. So, I’m done interacting with New Castle people save for the people who live in and are invited to the house I live in. I am done with the rude, stupid, social awkward, uneducated people that populate this town from one end of Highway 3 to the other. I am going to start teaching a class for them called “how to live life without being a motherfucking moron,” and it will be MANDATORY.

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