Thursday, March 28, 2013

How To Be The Only One At The Party

This week has been more emotional for me than I'd like to admit. I've put up this hardened shell and tried to get people to care about more for me than whether I can get married. I don't have anyone to get married to. I'm not waiting to put a ring on anyone's finger. I'm more worried about not getting the fuck beaten out of me in the street, fired from a job, or publicly humiliated because of who I am.

Now, I don't believe necessarily that NO ONE cares about these things. Maybe I shouldn't put it quite so dramatically. But what I will say is that it's very frustrating to see how many people are focusing on JUST marriage equality because that's what's up for debate. It has nothing to do with me, even though statistically speaking, it does. I feel like everyone's over in another room cheering for me, and no one knows I'm not in the room with them.

It's scary how distracted people can be from the other issues once a ray of hope begins to show through. I don't care if I can get married right now. What difference does it make whether or not I can get married if some dickhead can grind me to a pulp behind a bar because we frighten him just by being in the same room, and if local authorities take a hands-off approach because they don't want rainbow stains on their fingers, should the next election fall out of our favor? What difference does it make if we can have equal health insurance benefits to everyone else through my job if said job can still legally fire me in some states for violating the moral code of the people in upper management?

I hate to sound so down on everyone, but I am not part of the celebration, here. And it's not that I left the party, it's that the party left me without realizing it. Marriage equality does little for people who don't want to get married. It's a good step for our kind and for humans in general, but I'm starting to realize that my safety and job security (aside from being threatened merely by my own bad habits at work) will never be secured in my lifetime.

I have waited almost ten fucking years for someone to get it, for someone, ANYONE to stand up for something other than my right to marry and divorce someone. It seems to me that no one is coming back to my room, because no one realizes I'm not there, or maybe they think I left on purpose.

Well, I'm here to tell you, thanks. Really. I appreciate it, but it does nothing for me right now if I can still find myself a bloody pile in a back alley. It doesn't make me feel any better to know that I should have been able to marry one of the guys I've attempted to date over the last five years, because I doubt that any of those situations would have gotten any better with marriage.

I leave it in your hands to give a fuck about me, because I certainly give a fuck about me, but I seem to be the only one. I am seen as the party pooper when I tell people to put action behind their god damned red equal signs. I am seen as the Debbie Downer, the Negative Nancy, killing everyone's equal rights buzz with my petty demands for safety and a life worth living alone.

You've all disappointed me by how far you've missed my points in what I say and even accused me of being a bitter, self-hating person because I insist on change in all directions rather than just one at a time, one slow, bleeding-out change at a time. I'm literally going to be dead before anything gets done that makes me feel safe or okay in this world.

I am thinking of myself, yes, because someone has to. Love is not all there is in this god forsaken husk of a life that I find myself forced to grit my teeth through anymore. I have people that I love and have loved, but I want to be alive for it, god damn it.

You may very well still tell me that I am bitter, or that I am self-hating, or that I am missing the point of what you're doing or the historical significance of what's happening. That's just fine. I see that as you continuing to not listen to me.

I am standing up for me, and therefore for you, and so few of you are clear-minded enough to realize it. You have no idea how frustrating it is to be called out for wanting more than what you're fighting for. Like I'm supposed to just sit down and shut up and have my rights handed back to be cafeteria style.

I will not sit down. And you had all better get back into this room and get on the same page, or we're all going to be lost. The focus is wrong, though admirable, and the attitude toward anyone who demands anything more than what you're willing to fight for is shameful.

Nevertheless, there's little I can do besides wait and hope.

I don't actually expect anything positive to come out of this blog. It's more of a rant than anything. I think I'm done with calling anyone to action beyond what they're comfortable doing, because it really pisses on everyone's party, and I don't want that kind of reputation. I don't want to be that guy.

I appreciate all of your support, I really do. I just wish you were fighting for me as well as my love life. I'm not here to be the bad guy and shit on anyone's flowers about it, but I understand that that's the way I'm seen, here: some kind of ungrateful asshole sticking it to his own community for the sheer joy of doing so. I'm not changing my position, though. And what hurts the most is to be treated by my own friends and my own kind like I just don't understand the significance of what's happening right now. Like my level of understanding is so elementary that it has to be explained to me, when in reality, no one is listening to anything that I have to say about it. They simply hear that it differs from what the bandwagon is playing, and they assume that I'm just determined to be a bitch about everything.

It makes me want to give up to realize how few people actually listen when I talk.