This week has been more emotional for
me than I'd like to admit. I've put up this hardened shell and tried
to get people to care about more for me than whether I can get
married. I don't have anyone to get married to. I'm not waiting to put a
ring on anyone's finger. I'm more worried about not getting the
fuck beaten out of me in the street, fired from a job, or publicly
humiliated because of who I am.
Now, I don't believe necessarily that
NO ONE cares about these things. Maybe I shouldn't put it quite so
dramatically. But what I will say is that it's very frustrating to
see how many people are focusing on JUST marriage equality because
that's what's up for debate. It has nothing to do with me, even
though statistically speaking, it does. I feel like everyone's over
in another room cheering for me, and no one knows I'm not in the room
with them.
It's scary how distracted people can be
from the other issues once a ray of hope begins to show through. I
don't care if I can get married right now. What difference does it
make whether or not I can get married if some dickhead can grind me
to a pulp behind a bar because we frighten him just by being in the
same room, and if local authorities take a hands-off approach because
they don't want rainbow stains on their fingers, should the next
election fall out of our favor? What difference does it make if we
can have equal health insurance benefits to everyone else through my
job if said job can still legally fire me in some states for
violating the moral code of the people in upper management?
I hate to sound so down on everyone,
but I am not part of the celebration, here. And it's not that I left
the party, it's that the party left me without realizing it. Marriage
equality does little for people who don't want to get married. It's a
good step for our kind and for humans in general, but I'm starting to
realize that my safety and job security (aside from being threatened
merely by my own bad habits at work) will never be secured in my
lifetime.
I have waited almost ten fucking years
for someone to get it, for someone, ANYONE to stand up for something
other than my right to marry and divorce someone. It seems to me that
no one is coming back to my room, because no one realizes I'm not
there, or maybe they think I left on purpose.
Well, I'm here to tell you, thanks.
Really. I appreciate it, but it does nothing for me right now if I
can still find myself a bloody pile in a back alley. It doesn't make
me feel any better to know that I should have been able to marry one
of the guys I've attempted to date over the last five years, because
I doubt that any of those situations would have gotten any better
with marriage.
I leave it in your hands to give a fuck
about me, because I certainly give a fuck about me, but I seem to be
the only one. I am seen as the party pooper when I tell people to put
action behind their god damned red equal signs. I am seen as the
Debbie Downer, the Negative Nancy, killing everyone's equal rights
buzz with my petty demands for safety and a life worth living alone.
You've all disappointed me by how far
you've missed my points in what I say and even accused me of being a
bitter, self-hating person because I insist on change in all
directions rather than just one at a time, one slow, bleeding-out
change at a time. I'm literally going to be dead before anything gets
done that makes me feel safe or okay in this world.
I am thinking of myself, yes, because
someone has to. Love is not all there is in this god forsaken husk of
a life that I find myself forced to grit my teeth through anymore. I
have people that I love and have loved, but I want to be alive for
it, god damn it.
You may very well still tell me that I
am bitter, or that I am self-hating, or that I am missing the point
of what you're doing or the historical significance of what's
happening. That's just fine. I see that as you continuing to not
listen to me.
I am standing up for me, and therefore
for you, and so few of you are clear-minded enough to realize it. You
have no idea how frustrating it is to be called out for wanting more
than what you're fighting for. Like I'm supposed to just sit down and
shut up and have my rights handed back to be cafeteria style.
I will not sit down. And you had all
better get back into this room and get on the same page, or we're all
going to be lost. The focus is wrong, though admirable, and the
attitude toward anyone who demands anything more than what you're
willing to fight for is shameful.
Nevertheless, there's little I can do
besides wait and hope.
I don't actually expect anything
positive to come out of this blog. It's more of a rant than anything.
I think I'm done with calling anyone to action beyond what they're
comfortable doing, because it really pisses on everyone's party, and
I don't want that kind of reputation. I don't want to be that guy.
I appreciate all of your support, I
really do. I just wish you were fighting for me as well as my love
life. I'm not here to be the bad guy and shit on anyone's flowers
about it, but I understand that that's the way I'm seen, here: some
kind of ungrateful asshole sticking it to his own community for the
sheer joy of doing so. I'm not changing my position, though. And what
hurts the most is to be treated by my own friends and my own kind
like I just don't understand the significance of what's happening
right now. Like my level of understanding is so elementary that it
has to be explained to me, when in reality, no one is listening to
anything that I have to say about it. They simply hear that it
differs from what the bandwagon is playing, and they assume that I'm
just determined to be a bitch about everything.
It makes me want to give up to realize
how few people actually listen when I talk.
