Wednesday, May 22, 2013

This Is How You Suck At Dating, You Assholes

We will sidestep another long, weeping blog about how awful everything in my life is. You can all rest assured, I won't be flipping my emo bangs all over you today. Today, I shall be discussing with you all of the things that people do wrong when they date someone.

Believe me, I'm just as guilty of some of these as the rest of you. I feel that as an experienced self relationship ruiner, it is my duty to educate the rest of you. Sort of a form of community service, I guess.

So without any further nonsense, welcome to...


A tutorial. Or perhaps just a slight bitchslapping. It has yet to be determined.

  1. There is nothing that will make someone want to punch you in the face until you're dead like seeing that your date has just updated their Facebook status with “so bored. Txt it :)” while they're sitting right across the table from you. There are rules to human conduct. If you're really having such a bad time, most people would prefer if you simply got up and left. You're not so awesome that anyone would endure that sort of humiliation just to be in your presence. Get up. Go. Find someone more exciting, and your date can find someone who's not a big dumb dickhead.
  2. Your date is not a used car. Nothing is more invasive than you whipping out a dipstick and a tire gauge and telling them to bend the fuck over. A person's clothes and shoes and facial features are not to be used to determine his or her worth as a person. You cannot make a checklist and dock points for things like “can't cook” or “not a family person” or “doesn't like cats.” I'm sure you wouldn't like that to how someone views you. A test drive will be inconclusive for all but the most shallow of people. As a general rule, people are simply too complex to judge them like a contestant on American Idol.
  3. You are not a god damned celebrity. There is something to be said for shutting the fuck up and listening to the other person. No one wants to date someone whose biggest accomplishment is that “I'm me.” That's simply not good enough. What do you do? If you don't actually do anything, grow a personality.
  4. Do not go into a date intending to make it a one night stand and not tell the other person. People who do this are the lowest kind of person. I'm a bigger person these days, and I can actually stay this now. I've had this happen to me, and I know a lot of other people who have had it happen. People who get one night stood by surprise usually spend the next few months blaming themselves, and telling themselves that things would have been different if only they had been more fun to be with. In reality, you never had any intention of giving them a chance. My advice here is that if all you want is sex, don't be a dick. Hire a prostitute. That's what they do, and you'll be helping someone pay rent that way. Don't fuck up someone's life to get off.

Do try to keep these in mind, assholes.


Santa F. Clause